


you make me feel like I'm living a fourth-grade-dream

by Creatortan



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M, SUPER ooc on purpose AHSJDFKL, eric is gay and loves attention, jus a big ol crack fic babey, like straight outta romcom central romance, super cheesy romance, twist ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 10:19:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15749703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Creatortan/pseuds/Creatortan
Summary: As part of thekyman ask tagnumber 11)deliver upon us, a shitty kyman doodle, poem or one-shot. be creative.South Park Elementary's Valentine's Day Dance is approaching, but who will the most popular boy in school, Eric Cartman, choose to go to the dance with?





	you make me feel like I'm living a fourth-grade-dream

**Author's Note:**

> im cryign this was so fun to write ahsjdkflg

A shiny black limo pulled up to the curb of the school, and in an instant, every set of eyes was looking out towards it. The girls began to whisper and hiss to each other, trying desperately in vain to prevent their boyfriends from running off. But it was no use, the boys had already begun eagerly racing out of the building, clambering over each other, shoving in the halls as they piled out the door and climbed out the windows, all for the chance to catch a fleeting glimpse of their student body sweetheart, their local little celebrity.

A silky red carpet was rolled out by a beefy looking security guard with dreamy blue eyes. When the car door opened, every boy held his breath. An expensive, glamorous high heel pressed into the plush carpet, and several of the second graders, overwhelmed, immediately passed out at the sight of the shapely leg attached to the glittery shoe.

“I love you!!”  
  
“Please marry me!”   
  
“I’ll give you all my life savings!!”   
  
The boys screamed and cheered and cried as their coveted began effortlessly gliding past them. A curvy figure in a designer dress and real-diamond jewelry, coyly looking over stylish sunglasses which easily cost more than a teacher’s salary. Honey-gold eyes winked, plush pink lips blew a little kiss, and another row of boys found themselves unconscious.

The fourth-grade darling never had to lift a manicured finger, not when all the boys broke their necks to answer every beck and call. A little smile and they were putty on the floor.

“Boys, please!” Eric Cartman said with a wicked little grin, “Give a girl some space!”

Immediately the halls parted like the Red Sea. Eric strutted down the hall with confidence, reveling in the adoring murmurs of his fans. He waltzed into his homeroom, delicately sitting in his custom-made, red vulcana wool and gold-gilded desk. He checked his makeup in his hand mirror, touching up on his eyeliner. The bell sounded as students got comfortable in their seats, the boys practically vibrating in their excitement to be so close to Eric.

The announcements started up, and Eric smiled, knowing that today was a _very_ special day.

_“...And don’t forget about the Valentine's’ Day Dance this Friday. Ask out that special someone and vote for your King and Queen of Love!”_

A hush fell over the room.

The boys began bickering amongst themselves, all of them with the same idea in mind.

Someone was going to take Eric Cartman to the dance.

Eric gently straightened out his bangs, already excited for what was to come.

And Eric was not disappointed. Every boy in school vied for his attention at triple measure. Everywhere he looked, there was another student proclaiming his undying love. A serenade on the lyre, two dozen handwritten poems, chocolates, flowers, presents, even a pony and tickets to a Britney Spears concert (which was silly, because everyone knew Eric had Britney on speed dial already).

Eric accepted every gift with a smile. No matter how crappy the gift, it was the thought, and the unwavering adoration and devotion, that really counted. (Though he did chuck the cheap gifts directly into the garbage when no one was looking).

At lunch Jimmy performed a standup routine dedicated to Eric onstage, Clyde brought in lemon-squares—which paired nicely with the chocolate cake from Butters. At recess Token offered Eric another ride on his family’s private yacht—just the two of them. Even Dogpoo and Kenny brought him something, though only Kenny was actually allowed to approach Eric—he had a charm to him that overrode his poor person smell, unlike Dogpoo who wasn’t even poor and just really smelled. Wendy slapped Stan upside the head when she caught him staring, which made him fall over and drop his lunch, which was _hilarious._

After school, Eric sat at his vanity, primping his hair and wondering what gifts he would receive the next day. Eric had told them all he would have to think about it, but the boys were getting rowdy, and he knew that soon they would turn on each other. Eric hummed happily as he thought about it.

He kicked his legs playfully, chatting amicably with Clyde frog as he applied his Cle de Peau Beaute La Creme moisturizer. Suddenly, Eric heard his window rattle. From his vanity mirror, he saw a familiar flash of green fabric as his window was ripped open.

“Cartman!” Kyle said, standing in the middle of Eric’s room.

“Oh! Kahl! I didn’t see you very much at school today.”

“There’s a reason for that.” Kyle’s face was stern, even more handsome in its seriousness. His emerald green eyes blazed in a passionate fire as he gazed soulfully at Eric. “I’ve been training. I’ve mastered every martial art in the book, every firearm and blade in existence. I was gone on a mission to fight the most powerful enemies I could find to prove myself. I have slain both the mighty Manbearpig and the deadly Tooth Decay.”

Kyle proudly stepped forward. Eric took in his battle-hardened physique and his face turned a demure pink. Kyle reached up and slipped off his ushanka, revealing his fiery, tousled curls which gently brushed against his high cheekbones. He took a knee, kneeling in front of Eric.

“I can and will win any battle put in front of me. The boys at school will be no match at all.” Kyle held Eric’s hands in his own, staring deeply into his eyes. Eric’s heart skipped a beat. “Eric Theodore Cartman, will you do me the honor of allowing me to accompany you to the South Park Elementary Valentine’s Day Dance?”

Eric gasped, throwing himself into Kyle’s arms.

“Yes, yes, a _thousand_ times yes!” he cried. Kyle held him close, and Eric basked in Kyle’s warm, strong embrace. When he pulled back, they were just inches apart. Kyle’s nose brushed against Eric’s, their eyelids lowered into a half-lidded gaze. They both began to slowly lean closer. Eric could feel Kyle’s breath puffing against his lips. His eyes fluttered shut and—

—

“Butters?”

Butters jumped, hiding the journal behind his back.

“Oh, hiya Eric!” Butters said, smiling guiltily. “Your mom said I could come up here and wait for you!”

“Oh.” Cartman accepted the answer without question. He trusted Butters, afterall. “Well come on! We have to get working!”

Cartman began to ramble about the new scheme he cooked up. While his back was turned, Butters regretfully put Cartman’s diary back in its place, disappointed he couldn’t finish that week’s installment. Oh well. He’d just have to wait until Eric was asleep!


End file.
